In my last blog post, also my first vlog on YouTube, I expressed my frustration in losing my camera and my bracelet. Both of these items meant a lot to me. My 4 years old Sony Nex-3N holds my passion. My passion in creating and my dream in telling stories through my lens and words, as it’s the first camera I invested in to shoot all the content in my blog and videos for my covers and vlogs. My Pandora bracelet was the 21st birthday gift from my sister and my mother. I wear it to remind myself to stay strong in life, because I have a family that loves me more than I do and will hold me dearly if I were to fall and collapse. Losing both these items caused me huge distress. Yet, I’d say above all, the biggest thing that I lost in the past few months was myself.
I lost myself in the pursuit of “the perfect adult life” after graduation.
I lost myself in trying so hard to live up to society’s expectation.
I lost myself in trying to be my parent’s perfection.
I lost myself in the neverending self condemnation.
I lost myself in loneliness, to the forces of darkness,
to infatuation and the need of affection
amidst the wilderness.
I lost myself to fear, to the ghost of my past that can’t stop to reappear,
fear that it’ll continue to be here in the coming years.
I lost myself.
What scared me most when I lost myself was I couldn’t even recognize the person I’ve become. Yet, I continued to cave in to the self destructive manner because it was easier and more accessible. I lost my sense of purpose, my motivation and my passion for living. I was lost but I didn’t want to admit it. I wasn’t being truthful to myself. I pray to God every night for help, I knew He’s always there to guide me, but I wasn’t ready to open up and actually receive it.
My last vlog was an honest confession. I knew that I needed to be honest with myself and all of you in order to get better. You see, the first step to improvement is to understand your problem and admit your mistake, then work from it. I was unafraid to admit to all of you that I had been the worst version of myself in the past few months (okay jokes it took me one week to find the courage to post it, but I DID end up doing it right? ?). When I was at my most honest and vulnerable, friends and family started pouring me with love and reassurance, just because they never knew I needed that before. I was rarely honest, but now I am.
The camera and bracelet that I lost? They’re material goods that symbolizes passion and love. Though I might not be able to afford them right now, they are still somewhat replaceable despite their sentimental values. But me? I can’t afford to lose myself completely. I’m trying my best to get better, slowly and gradually. I’m still in the process of finding myself, but I’ve promised myself to stay true to my values and stay in tact with who I am despite whatever that happens in life. Because without me, what will be me?
P/s: A part of me feels really good to be blogging about my emotional thoughts like that again, as it’s been something that I’ve been holding back for the sake of “personal branding” in case of future employer stalking. But you know what? I’m a human too. I can be emotional and I can make mistakes, why should I hide myself?
[ Featured photo by Luis Del Río Camacho ]